The Replacement

Right now I'm not sure whether to cry with relief or cry with worry. I am obviously emotional enough that I broke down and text'd my mom.

I just very nervously called my clinic to enquire about my lab test results, and discovered that my family doctor officially retired last week (WHAT?!?!?!). The secretary told me that they only call if there's something abnormal about my results, so not having gotten a call simply means that everything came back fine. I still want to know numbers, I still want as many details as they can give me, and I still don't have any answers. So I booked an appointment for next week, on the 12th, to meet and discuss where we're at with my new GP.

 And the biggest discovery of the day (so far)? My new GP is a lady-doctor! *Gasp!!!!!*

I have been dying to have a female doctor since the tender age of 18, when suddenly you're at that age where you have to discuss the nitty-gritty of your reproductive health, because I am a shy and awkward kind of gal. I felt awkward enough just having my former male doctor administer the Depo shot in my hip (I begged him to just give it to me in my shoulder but he never relented) when I was in my late teens, and I have been rather bad about going in for that recommended annual examination in the stirrups...I know it's not sexual, I am completely aware, but that's just how shy I can be! So having a fellow female do the future examinations and tests is such a hugely joyous bit of news for me. I won't be half as awkward and shy now--thank God!!!!

However, I don't know what this doctor is like. She could be dismissive or she could be highly motivated due to the fact that this is a new clinic full of new patients and newness has a way of inspiring a person, or so I believe. I'm not expecting her to be my new BFF, obviously, but if this journey becomes especially longer and full of all kinds of tribulations I really hope she's going to be the compassionate and diligent variety of doctors. After all, future visits may include some moments of tight-lipped chin-held-high heartbreak as well as successes. At this point, I don't know what's ahead.

I also don't know how long she's staying at my family's clinic. It might be just a year, or it might be more.

Because last month was not our month (AF arrived on Monday, so it's back to CD3) this will be the ninth cycle of TTC. I suppose the 0.1 degree drop last weekend was all that was needed to cue my uterus to start wringing itself out again--c'est la vive. Actually, this month was really good cramp-wise so I'm trying not to complain as much, I was able to function with just Midol and Advil and not have to spend hours curled up around a scalding hot water-bottle or basically living in the bathtub just soaking. I don't know for sure, but I sort of suspect that cutting drastically down on my caffeine-intake may have made this difference. I am not in agony, I am simply plodding along a little slower the last few days and craving chocolate.

G has yet to go in for his test. Maybe now that I've had it confirmed that my results were fine he'll finally set aside a bit of time to go in tomorrow and get it done--I'm hoping so anyway! Yesterday he referred to his possibly lower sperm-count as the "elephant in the room", and I do feel bad for him because I know he worries all the time that he may have missed the baby-boat by waiting until he was 50 to try. It wasn't his fault, prior to the start of our actual relationship 5 years ago he'd spent the majority of the 5 years beforehand with a girlfriend (who is only about 3 or 4 years older than I) who only gave him "maybe one day" as an answer until finally admitting that she wasn't on the fence at all and was honestly uninterested in motherhood. (I get really angry at her when I think about this too, especially since she still sends him Xmas and birthday cards/gifts in the mail and calls him more than any of my former partners contact me, period.) He would have loved to have had kids in his 40s, even though he was uber focused on his career at the time, but marriage and TTC was never seriously on the table for him until we started seeing each other. I am literally the only woman he has ever been with who has wanted children. I know it's hard on him that this isn't just "happening" and he will feel like it's all his fault unless his SA comes back without abnormalities.

So why am I wiping away tears since this phone call to my clinic? Because I know that regardless of G's SA results, I will likely be going on to more tests and they won't be as quick and easy as having 3 vials of blood taken. Fertility specialists want you to have all the test-work done before they see you, to know exactly what's going on physically. Even if G's results are so unfortunate that it's obvious that we'll need IUI or IVF they will need to make sure my fallopian tubes aren't blocked, that there are no cysts, polyps, or endo. This all makes sense: if there's something really wrong with me they need to correct it as best they can before we attempt pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any more cosy about our situation though. I am still pretty nervous about the future, no matter what the stats are.

On a brighter side though, I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out. Kaeleigh of the Unpregnant Chicken blog (http://unpregnantchicken.com/) has kept me smiling and laughing throughout the last few tampon-filled days. Her blog is amazing and totally accessible--not just because I'm in the TTC boat also--it is worth a check-out! As a fellow Canadian, just one province to the right over, I've got to say her blog is my favourite! I also really like Infertile Girl in a Fertile World, by C who is also Canadian (yay!). However, I like to read blogs from their very beginning, in chronological order (yes, I am THAT nerdy), and I accidentally read over C's TTC time-line, at which point she had just gotten her BFP. So the suspense is a bit lessened, unfortunately. Since Unpregnant Chicken dates back to August 2014, it's a bit less daunting to try and catch-up--and it's good enough to want to catch-up!

Since becoming a dog-groomer almost two years ago, a day-job that I am a zillion times happier doing in my everyday life than waitressing (being a line-cook was okay too, but that was ages ago now), I have been guilty of taking a big step back from writing. Shame on me, I mean it. Even though blogging is not as esoteric as my usual poetry/prose scene, I am so glad to report that my passion for writing has been more than rekindled. I'm a decent groomer and I love dogs, I can easily keep doing this rewarding day-job for another two years if that's my path, but I am becoming more aware again that I need to try for more in terms of my long-term career. I need to rework the portfolios that got me short-listed for the low-residency MFA in Creative Writing two years ago, I need to reconnect with my former professors (because every year another one retires), and I need to reapply for grad studies. Babies or not, I need to carry on writing and being creative. Resuming, even if it's not exactly where I left off, has lifted my spirit up and I can't just walk away from that. It's time to stop being rusty and whip my inner-writer back into the sharp and perceptive machine it once was!

And now I think I'll put TTC and next week's appointment to the back corner of my mind and see about getting a haircut. I may be back to my writing desk in a few hours, or tomorrow, but I'll be back! :D