I'm pretty tired out today, to be honest. Yesterday was a really busy day, I stayed up way too late, got up at my usual time this morning, and after walking Zoe-dog G and I spent about four hours reading through and marking his class's latest curatorial project assignment. We just finished doing a grocery shop and as soon as we were in the door I had to get a roast in the oven for our dinner later on. I literally feel like I could fall asleep in minutes if I were to try and read a book in bed right now, and it's only barely 5pm.
After work I had to hurry to get gussied-up in the bathroom and then make it to our annual local film festival. I made it there about 10 minutes late and found the seat at the back centre row G had saved for me, all while our close friend J was in the midst of giving his final introductory speech as the festival director. J has been the festival director for the last 10 years and this was his last year before stepping down, so next year he'll just be offering mentorship to the new conglomerate of organisers. I was actually the Submissions Coordinator for the festival from winter 2010 until March of last year, at which point I decided to step down because I knew I just wasn't going to have the same amount of time for volunteer work. It felt so strange to be part of the audience again, and to not have seen all the films about five times beforehand. I felt really disconnected, whereas I used to always have formed an emotional attachment to some of the films, and a connection with the different filmmakers--after being having sent about a dozen or more emails back and forth over the span of about 4 months you start to bond a little bit. Plus there are a handful of local filmmakers who are very diligent about submitting something every year and you get to know them well enough that when you bump into them in a Starbucks you end up chatting for a decent 10 minutes about if/what they're working on lately. I'm still on a first-name basis with these special few, even though I hadn't been their liaison-person this year, but the vibe was obviously a little different. As much as I liked having that extra festival-free time this fall/winter, I didn't realise I'd missed my old post until about a quarter of the way through the films. I just felt old and tired, not glamorous and professional.
My short attendance at the after-party was extended until about 1:30AM, which was so much later than I'd planned. G left as soon as the films were over (he was in a bit of a funk), before the awards portion of the festival, and I was so hungry that I ordered two sushi rolls and a ginger ale for myself. G was in bed by the time I got home, and he's still a little bit cranky with me for being out so late. Actually, he's been accusing me of staying out late so that I could flirt with other men (so far from reality--I wasn't even remotely as social as I generally am at the after-party because I was so exhausted). It was good to visit with our friends for a little while, that's all.
Being over-tired today has made me feel a bit more emotional that usual. I'm not feeling very "up," I'm sorry.
One of my two Internet Angels, Lkal, went in for her second IUI today. I'm hopeful for her, of course, even though she was disappointed because there was only one follicle and her hubby's count was 2 million less than last time. She's thinking that maybe upping her Clomid dosage next month (if she doesn't get her BFP this month) might be a good idea. I asked her how she feels about the possibility of IVF in the future if IUI doesn't take, because when I think about IVF lately I get super antsy and emotional about it. I mean, the success rate is much better but it's a huge jump in terms of cost, and it's physically a lot more rigorous than IUI. I know lots of women say that they didn't think they were strong enough to go through IVF and discovered that they were, that we women are stronger than we think we are, but sometimes I just don't know if I have what it takes. I don't know if G would even be up for IVF if that's what we end up needing to do...his parents still have a mortgage in their mid-80s and so he's super paranoid about paying off our mortgage as quickly as possible and not having any debt. I just don't know right now. Yes, speaking solely for myself, I want a baby enough that I would be willing to go through with IVF but I'm not sure G wouldn't want to spend that kind of money. I earn a quarter of what he makes per year, so I don't feel like I have much of a right to make that decision if he isn't 100% willing. Thank god we have MediCare, at least!
Anyway, it's only CD 7 and I'm actually sort of debating giving the whole "not trying" thing a try. To just put away the thermometer, not look at the calender every day, and just recharge this month. But I know those thoughts and feelings are all stemming from just being so. fucking. tired. I just don't feel like I'm up to TTC this month...honestly, I just want it to "happen". I've been so ready for so many months now that maybe I'm just hitting a bit of a wall now that we're at the 9th month mark.
I think once that roast is out of the oven I'm going to bake some brownies. No, not the "special" kind. Chocolate seems fancy enough for me right now.
Okay, over and out.
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