I don't have much time to write tonight, I spent way too long trying to figure out why I couldn't log into gmail and just realised that I was using the wrong email username all along....it's been a long day, just saying.
I've been having a frustrating time at work lately. We've been booked up about a week in advance, often under-staffed, and because everyone's in a hurry it seems like the notes attached to files aren't being read and we're often over-booked or booked incorrectly. And, of course, this means that the scrambling-to-get-everything-done state we're already in gets all the more frustrating. But on top of all of this, it's also come to my attention that my coworker/friend-turned-salon-manager has been over-stepping my boundaries and meddling behind my back. I'd like to think that she's doing what she's been doing because she's sincerely trying to be helpful or supportive, but when I discovered via our groomer-trainee that she had called our Ops Manager last week and asked if I could leave work 15 minutes early for "family issues" without even talking to me about it, I was pretty embarrassed! Apparently because she knew I was mid-cycle she thought I should go home early and hop in the sack with G? This happened a little over a week ago, and beyond thinking it was weird when she had come skipping into the back where I was busy blow-drying the dog I was working on to announce that I could leave 15 minutes early, I didn't find out the details until just a couple of days ago. The difference between getting home at 7:15PM and 7:30PM that day didn't really make a difference to my personal-life, but having our Ops Manager think that some "issue" at home was affecting my professional-life was never something I would have wanted! Yours-truly is the employee that has only called in sick to work once during my two years with the company!
I've had other issues with our salon manager when it comes to her meddling behind my back. A couple of months ago she casually told me that she had been talking to our Ops Manager about how they needed to find my "replacement" asap, to which my Ops Manager asked if I was pregnant, and she responded "no, but every month that passes she's closer to going on mat leave!" I had to really hold myself back and calmly remind her that they'll have nine months to find my "replacement" once I'm actually pregnant, but currently it's a bit premature. Never mind we'd been TTC for 9 cycles at that point, and would have been going on mat leave then if we'd been so lucky to have gotten pregnant so easily.
For all the occasions that I've politely tried to let her know that the things that she's been saying to myself and others are actually hindering me and upsetting me, not helping me at all, it's all seemed to go in one ear and right out the other. I don't know what to do about it really. Do I over-step her and talk to our Ops Manager about what's been going on? Do I call our company's HR? All I know is that I can't continue on like this. I'm getting so frustrated and angry that I was ready to quit on the spot on Tuesday.
The woman whose dogs I groom every couple of weeks, on my day off, says her daughter is interested in a business partnership where she'd do dog-walking and I'd groom. I've agreed to discuss this possibility, but I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. I don't feel like I'm "done" with grooming, though I do feel like I want to leave my current company by September, but I also don't feel like it's my true career. Do I really want to start a business that I'm not sure I'll want to have in five years, or have as a career? Grooming is a trade, a fairly creative one, but it's not what I want to do forever.
I want to be writing. I want to be at my desk, working. We're lucky because G's income is roughly three times what I make, we don't live a very luxurious or materialistic lifestyle, we generally have maybe a couple hundred dollars worth of credit card debt, and even though our mortgage payments are on the high side we only have about 13 years left before that's paid off. I don't NEED to work, financially-speaking, I just feel like I need to contribute to our household bills and have my own money for anything I might need to buy, even if it's just for gas in the truck or the occasional chai latte with a friend. Writing doesn't pay bills or put gas in the truck right now, but I'd be so much happier.
Seriously, what should I do?
Friday 27 March 2015
Sunday 15 March 2015
A Letter to our Someday-Baby
Dear Someday-Baby,
I hope you have your dad's nose and dark hair. I hope you and Zoe-dog have so many summer days where you both can run on grass (parks, fields, your grandparents' backyards, literally everywhere, so long as you're both safely away from streets and being supervised) and play fetch with a Frisbee or a ball. I hope you giggle and laugh a lot, and that my cousin Pedia will share her toys with you when she comes to visit. I hope your crib mattress is soft and your knit blanket is warm and cosy. I hope you like to colour and try all kinds of new food. I hope every summer we can all go on a vacation together, even if it's just a little camping trip somewhere on the island. I hope you like all the books we'll read together and stories we'll make up. I hope you'll be excited to go to school when you get a little older.
Your dad and I have been talking about re-painting the loft this summer, and I think a light yellow would be nice. I want it to be a cosy space when it becomes your room, but I also want it to feel like it's full of sunshine even on rainy days. We're going to have to do a lot of spring cleaning and organising, but we want to do all of this to make it your room. We're making space in our lives for you, and the more we do so the more sure we're ready for you.
I want you know that your whole family is ready and waiting for you. Your great-granny Joan even has a wooden highchair stored away for when you arrive, and your great-grandma June has been sending me lots of positive energy in hopes you'll choose a month soon to incarnate. Great-grandpa wants to teach you how to skate, also. Your grandmothers are both excited about the possibility of you, and your granddad has been daydreaming about you for quite a long time now. You have lots of uncles and aunts, lots of cousins waiting here and some future-cousins that will hopefully come after you. When you get here you'll be your dad's dream-come-true, and I already know he's going to spoil you. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you grow up to be happy and healthy, and I know you're going to become a really good person. I want the best for you, and I want you to always feel loved.
I know you've been hesitating to join us, but I want you to know it's okay and that not for one minute will any of us regret your arrival. We're ready in every way. Nothing about your creation will be "accidental", we've chosen you and will adore you no matter what form you take--you have the freedom to become whatever person you're meant to be, I promise, we'll only do our best to make sure we guide you in a direction without unnecessary discomforts or risks. You are my sole/soul priority.
We love you, Someday-Baby,
Your One-day-Mom
I hope you have your dad's nose and dark hair. I hope you and Zoe-dog have so many summer days where you both can run on grass (parks, fields, your grandparents' backyards, literally everywhere, so long as you're both safely away from streets and being supervised) and play fetch with a Frisbee or a ball. I hope you giggle and laugh a lot, and that my cousin Pedia will share her toys with you when she comes to visit. I hope your crib mattress is soft and your knit blanket is warm and cosy. I hope you like to colour and try all kinds of new food. I hope every summer we can all go on a vacation together, even if it's just a little camping trip somewhere on the island. I hope you like all the books we'll read together and stories we'll make up. I hope you'll be excited to go to school when you get a little older.
Your dad and I have been talking about re-painting the loft this summer, and I think a light yellow would be nice. I want it to be a cosy space when it becomes your room, but I also want it to feel like it's full of sunshine even on rainy days. We're going to have to do a lot of spring cleaning and organising, but we want to do all of this to make it your room. We're making space in our lives for you, and the more we do so the more sure we're ready for you.
I want you know that your whole family is ready and waiting for you. Your great-granny Joan even has a wooden highchair stored away for when you arrive, and your great-grandma June has been sending me lots of positive energy in hopes you'll choose a month soon to incarnate. Great-grandpa wants to teach you how to skate, also. Your grandmothers are both excited about the possibility of you, and your granddad has been daydreaming about you for quite a long time now. You have lots of uncles and aunts, lots of cousins waiting here and some future-cousins that will hopefully come after you. When you get here you'll be your dad's dream-come-true, and I already know he's going to spoil you. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you grow up to be happy and healthy, and I know you're going to become a really good person. I want the best for you, and I want you to always feel loved.
I know you've been hesitating to join us, but I want you to know it's okay and that not for one minute will any of us regret your arrival. We're ready in every way. Nothing about your creation will be "accidental", we've chosen you and will adore you no matter what form you take--you have the freedom to become whatever person you're meant to be, I promise, we'll only do our best to make sure we guide you in a direction without unnecessary discomforts or risks. You are my sole/soul priority.
We love you, Someday-Baby,
Your One-day-Mom
Forgiveness Rock
I haven't had a chance to post anything for almost a month--I am SO sorry!!!--and so I'm a little back-logged when it comes to updating what's been going on. Buckle in, this is likely to be a long post!
Currently I'm CD11, just finished taking Zo for a walk with G, eating spearmint scotch mints, drinking earl grey tea (today is also the one month mark of giving up coffee!), and listening to Broken Social Scene's Forgiveness Rock Record (slightly too loud, I might add) while G is busy marking his printmaking classes' assignments. We were hoping to have a window replaced, one with a broken seal, so that my parents could install the second gorgeous thistle stained glass window, but it's raining so it will be postponed until maybe tomorrow. But best of all, that funk I was in last cycle has subsided for the time being. I am hopeful! I am almost deliriously hopeful that that BFP is going to happen in the next few months!
Let me explain myself...
We drove up to Princeton, BC to see my grandparents and stay with them for about 4 days at their ranch. This was super important to me because they're hoping to sell all 200 or so acres and (hopefully) move to a smaller, more recluse island somewhere in the gulf, and G had never been there before. They had just recently sold off their cattle and are down to just three horses, a cat, and their little (well, she's actually only 3lbs lighter than Zo, but only because she doesn't have a waistline) poodle mix--very strange to not have the bigger farm dogs and the little newborn calves hanging around the barn! And very strange not to see Lippy and Tara, their two horses that they'd had since I was a toddler that have passed away of old-age in the last few years! Nonetheless, it was wonderful to breathe in that crisp mountain air and be surrounded by those rolling hills and the hayfield that spreads out just below the house and runs along the creek. Seeing my grandparents was so great that I honestly didn't want to leave. I think it was super important for us to be able to disconnect from our jobs and phones and unwind for a few days, and I wish we could have more of that peaceful space within our everyday lives a little more often.
The second afternoon we were there, G and my grandfather went downstairs and watched the hockey game on the projector screen, and my grandma and I went off to the now-hot tub-less hot tub room so that my grandma could do a bit of reiki on me. I hopped up on the massage table and as my grandma straightened out my legs and set me back into alignment she proceeded to explain that the reason why there was 5 years between when my uncle was born and when she got pregnant with my mom was because she had a tipped uterus. She'd moved and her new doctor had noticed and corrected her uterus; that was September of 1966 and she got pregnant in December, just four months later! She said she has had a feeling that I've inherited a tipped uterus too, and that she has been able to use reflexology to correct it for a few other female clients of hers over the years. She checked me (via reflexology, not like a pap--don't worry!) and concluded her suspicions were correct, and then she went about trying to set it back into place. As she worked she told me that the first time she'd done this it was for a hairdresser named Heather that had come to her appointment over 15 years ago in tears because she'd been TTC for years without success. She corrected it and 6 weeks later Heather was pregnant! A couple years later, when Heather was ready to start TTC again she went back in and my grandma repeated the correction, and even though it took a little bit longer she did get pregnant again with her second child. She said she predicted that it'll take a few months for me, and that she'd have to check to make sure it had set in place before G and I left in a couple days.
When she was done she went to the head of the table to begin doing her cranial-sacral work on me, and only maybe 10 minutes later we heard a vehicle come racing up the long driveway and park. My grandma got up to see how it was, and this is totally zany, but it was Heather the hairdresser! Heather apologised for not calling first, but she'd had so much shoulder pain that she'd come straight from her last appointment. I've known Heather for years and so we said hi and chatted for a little while as I got off of the table and she got up there in my place. My grandma mentioned that I was having a hard time getting pregnant and Heather immediately asked "did you do that thing?" and when my Grandma said she had Heather said "Oh good!" and settled herself. I worked on Heather's feet and just focused on keeping a steady stream of energy flowing through her, while my grandma focused on her back and shoulders. (Which was very good for me, since I haven't really done reiki at all over the last 5 years since I stopped going up to Princeton for work in the summers.)
My grandma also emailed her wonderful psychic friend Catherine-Sue about me, and Catherine-Sue pointed out that there is an Ace of Hearts as my Long Range Card for this year, which I had overlooked as simply being "the desire for a child" not a pregnancy sign for myself, and so I do have a chance of conceiving between now and my birthday in July, after all. Excellent!! She said to mediate on the Three of Hearts in Saturn and deal with this feeling of indecision/"feeling of pulled in multiple directions", and to NOT use "being too busy" as an excuse (which I am very guilty of). She said to prepare and to make getting pregnant my soul purpose for this year, to let the little soul of our future baby know we're ready for her/him to incarnate.
Finally, five minutes before we were about to leave a few days later, I got an email back from Psychic Mary Akinson with the reading I'd ordered three weeks earlier. This was her email to me:
Dearest Meghan,
Thank you for allowing me to read for you I'm most grateful. If any part of your reading is unclear please let me know. I will now look over your pregnancy path with my spirit guide Ashton to help.
I can see a pregnancy anytime within 10 weeks
I can see a healthy baby girl born at 40 weeks of your pregnancy.
I do feel vaginal delivery lasting under 7 hours with 11 minutes of pushing
Birth- Tuesday 8:12AM
Weight 6lbs 11oz
I can see her first word is PINK
-------------------
I can see conception with a healthy baby son when your daughter is above 3 years old, providing you try again...
If any of your reading is unclear please let me know, and of course let me know how you get on.
Kindest Regards, May your path be blessed
Mary Akinson
I was so excited and relieved that I passed my phone to my grandma and told her to read the email on the screen. She gave a surprised little "oh ho!" and laughed, then said "that would be about right."
And my uterus had been still in place when my lovely grandma checked it before G and I left, also.
So that means two and and half cycles. Well, it's two now that I'm coming up to O this week. I've regained the emotional strength and determination to go out and buy more PreSeed (this time with the applicators) and continue on my coffee-free path. I haven't told many people but I did tell my mom about all this, and she was very supportive and excited for me. I also told my close childhood friend Mel the other day when we met up for tea and a 5km walk (which I was supposed to skate, but Wes was with her in his stroller and the weather was a bit cruddy). Mel was excited too, and told me that when she was still in Prince George a couple years ago she'd gone to a psychic who'd predicted she'd get pregnant with a little blue-eyed strawberry-blond son, who was extremely eager to be born--and now here he is, of course! She also posited the possibility of us combining her photography and my artwork for the illustrations in a children's book, but we'll see how that pans out.
So I have been busy with getting my teeth cleaned, getting my annual pap done and out of the way with Dr. C-G, and rollerskating. Once I finished up my pap I bought G and I some flowers for the bay window in our kitchen and made a special little stop at the knitting shop down the hill from our house...I bought three balls of yarn in a soft yellow-teal-lilac, which I will knit into our future-baby's blanket. I also took my soap kettle, wrapping paper, and other clutter out of the loft and stored it all away in the studio and the attic space above. I am doing my best to sort of call out to the little spirit of future-baby to say "we're so ready for you, we're making space in our lives for you, doing all that we can to prepare for your arrival, and this loft is going to be your room. You're only a twinkle in our eyes but we love you so much already and we're so excited to share everything we have with you when you get here."
Oh, I'm getting all emotional just writing this!
Sure, I'm nervous that maybe this hopefulness is only going to lead to a starker disappointment, but allowing myself to daydream a little has been so nice. I'm going to be patient with myself, and I've been reminding myself that if it takes a few months that that's okay--having a baby born about this time next year would be very nice! The flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting a bit warmer, and G is 4 weeks away from the end of his second semester of classes.
This time next year would be the perfect time to have our baby.
Currently I'm CD11, just finished taking Zo for a walk with G, eating spearmint scotch mints, drinking earl grey tea (today is also the one month mark of giving up coffee!), and listening to Broken Social Scene's Forgiveness Rock Record (slightly too loud, I might add) while G is busy marking his printmaking classes' assignments. We were hoping to have a window replaced, one with a broken seal, so that my parents could install the second gorgeous thistle stained glass window, but it's raining so it will be postponed until maybe tomorrow. But best of all, that funk I was in last cycle has subsided for the time being. I am hopeful! I am almost deliriously hopeful that that BFP is going to happen in the next few months!
Let me explain myself...
We drove up to Princeton, BC to see my grandparents and stay with them for about 4 days at their ranch. This was super important to me because they're hoping to sell all 200 or so acres and (hopefully) move to a smaller, more recluse island somewhere in the gulf, and G had never been there before. They had just recently sold off their cattle and are down to just three horses, a cat, and their little (well, she's actually only 3lbs lighter than Zo, but only because she doesn't have a waistline) poodle mix--very strange to not have the bigger farm dogs and the little newborn calves hanging around the barn! And very strange not to see Lippy and Tara, their two horses that they'd had since I was a toddler that have passed away of old-age in the last few years! Nonetheless, it was wonderful to breathe in that crisp mountain air and be surrounded by those rolling hills and the hayfield that spreads out just below the house and runs along the creek. Seeing my grandparents was so great that I honestly didn't want to leave. I think it was super important for us to be able to disconnect from our jobs and phones and unwind for a few days, and I wish we could have more of that peaceful space within our everyday lives a little more often.
The second afternoon we were there, G and my grandfather went downstairs and watched the hockey game on the projector screen, and my grandma and I went off to the now-hot tub-less hot tub room so that my grandma could do a bit of reiki on me. I hopped up on the massage table and as my grandma straightened out my legs and set me back into alignment she proceeded to explain that the reason why there was 5 years between when my uncle was born and when she got pregnant with my mom was because she had a tipped uterus. She'd moved and her new doctor had noticed and corrected her uterus; that was September of 1966 and she got pregnant in December, just four months later! She said she has had a feeling that I've inherited a tipped uterus too, and that she has been able to use reflexology to correct it for a few other female clients of hers over the years. She checked me (via reflexology, not like a pap--don't worry!) and concluded her suspicions were correct, and then she went about trying to set it back into place. As she worked she told me that the first time she'd done this it was for a hairdresser named Heather that had come to her appointment over 15 years ago in tears because she'd been TTC for years without success. She corrected it and 6 weeks later Heather was pregnant! A couple years later, when Heather was ready to start TTC again she went back in and my grandma repeated the correction, and even though it took a little bit longer she did get pregnant again with her second child. She said she predicted that it'll take a few months for me, and that she'd have to check to make sure it had set in place before G and I left in a couple days.
When she was done she went to the head of the table to begin doing her cranial-sacral work on me, and only maybe 10 minutes later we heard a vehicle come racing up the long driveway and park. My grandma got up to see how it was, and this is totally zany, but it was Heather the hairdresser! Heather apologised for not calling first, but she'd had so much shoulder pain that she'd come straight from her last appointment. I've known Heather for years and so we said hi and chatted for a little while as I got off of the table and she got up there in my place. My grandma mentioned that I was having a hard time getting pregnant and Heather immediately asked "did you do that thing?" and when my Grandma said she had Heather said "Oh good!" and settled herself. I worked on Heather's feet and just focused on keeping a steady stream of energy flowing through her, while my grandma focused on her back and shoulders. (Which was very good for me, since I haven't really done reiki at all over the last 5 years since I stopped going up to Princeton for work in the summers.)
My grandma also emailed her wonderful psychic friend Catherine-Sue about me, and Catherine-Sue pointed out that there is an Ace of Hearts as my Long Range Card for this year, which I had overlooked as simply being "the desire for a child" not a pregnancy sign for myself, and so I do have a chance of conceiving between now and my birthday in July, after all. Excellent!! She said to mediate on the Three of Hearts in Saturn and deal with this feeling of indecision/"feeling of pulled in multiple directions", and to NOT use "being too busy" as an excuse (which I am very guilty of). She said to prepare and to make getting pregnant my soul purpose for this year, to let the little soul of our future baby know we're ready for her/him to incarnate.
Finally, five minutes before we were about to leave a few days later, I got an email back from Psychic Mary Akinson with the reading I'd ordered three weeks earlier. This was her email to me:
Dearest Meghan,
Thank you for allowing me to read for you I'm most grateful. If any part of your reading is unclear please let me know. I will now look over your pregnancy path with my spirit guide Ashton to help.
I can see a pregnancy anytime within 10 weeks
I can see a healthy baby girl born at 40 weeks of your pregnancy.
I do feel vaginal delivery lasting under 7 hours with 11 minutes of pushing
Birth- Tuesday 8:12AM
Weight 6lbs 11oz
I can see her first word is PINK
-------------------
I can see conception with a healthy baby son when your daughter is above 3 years old, providing you try again...
If any of your reading is unclear please let me know, and of course let me know how you get on.
Kindest Regards, May your path be blessed
Mary Akinson
I was so excited and relieved that I passed my phone to my grandma and told her to read the email on the screen. She gave a surprised little "oh ho!" and laughed, then said "that would be about right."
And my uterus had been still in place when my lovely grandma checked it before G and I left, also.
So that means two and and half cycles. Well, it's two now that I'm coming up to O this week. I've regained the emotional strength and determination to go out and buy more PreSeed (this time with the applicators) and continue on my coffee-free path. I haven't told many people but I did tell my mom about all this, and she was very supportive and excited for me. I also told my close childhood friend Mel the other day when we met up for tea and a 5km walk (which I was supposed to skate, but Wes was with her in his stroller and the weather was a bit cruddy). Mel was excited too, and told me that when she was still in Prince George a couple years ago she'd gone to a psychic who'd predicted she'd get pregnant with a little blue-eyed strawberry-blond son, who was extremely eager to be born--and now here he is, of course! She also posited the possibility of us combining her photography and my artwork for the illustrations in a children's book, but we'll see how that pans out.
So I have been busy with getting my teeth cleaned, getting my annual pap done and out of the way with Dr. C-G, and rollerskating. Once I finished up my pap I bought G and I some flowers for the bay window in our kitchen and made a special little stop at the knitting shop down the hill from our house...I bought three balls of yarn in a soft yellow-teal-lilac, which I will knit into our future-baby's blanket. I also took my soap kettle, wrapping paper, and other clutter out of the loft and stored it all away in the studio and the attic space above. I am doing my best to sort of call out to the little spirit of future-baby to say "we're so ready for you, we're making space in our lives for you, doing all that we can to prepare for your arrival, and this loft is going to be your room. You're only a twinkle in our eyes but we love you so much already and we're so excited to share everything we have with you when you get here."
Oh, I'm getting all emotional just writing this!
Sure, I'm nervous that maybe this hopefulness is only going to lead to a starker disappointment, but allowing myself to daydream a little has been so nice. I'm going to be patient with myself, and I've been reminding myself that if it takes a few months that that's okay--having a baby born about this time next year would be very nice! The flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting a bit warmer, and G is 4 weeks away from the end of his second semester of classes.
This time next year would be the perfect time to have our baby.
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